Searching for new answers

Ok so you may be shocked to read this after reading my two previous posts for the passionate certainty displayed in them... so be warned, this is very difficult for me to voice(write), and is actually the grand spiritual struggle I have been dealing with this summer. Ok here I go...

When faced with questions about suffering and a loving God, I have been pretty confident for a while now with the answers I have found, but after discussing very painful suffering encountered by a few close friends, lately my answers just don't seem to cut it anymore. In fact, they don't seem to answer anything at all. And I have found myself doubting more seriously than I ever have in my life. And it is very painful in itself to suddenly realize that I couldn't feel God anymore. His presence just seems to be gone to me, I can't feel Him. I had to remind myself, "It's Ok to be angry with God. He is big enough to handle our emotions." And I feel like I've been so quietly screaming these questions at Him and I can't hear a word whispering back. God, why? I know everything that happens to us is part of your plan, nothing could really happen outside of Your will. I don't really think we have that kind of power as humans. God, I really do think suffering can be a chance to choose You as the way to deal with things, but what if we have chosen You and still can't get any answers from You? Yes, of course I believe that You always answer our prayers; yes, no, or wait are the responses I thought You use. If I can't hear anything does that mean no? Nothing seems to be happening, God? What if nothing ever changes? How, then, is life supposed to be lived? God, to get to the point, what I really want to know is, why would it be part of your plan to have a young person be sore and sick and aching for half of their life and never find a cure? How is it part of Your plan that one of Your children should be a homosexual(if homosexuality really can't be 'helped')? I don't understand how You could create someone to be wired that way, and yet such a state of being is a sin and that person, though he loves you, could never be right in Your eyes, simply because of a sin that is not an action you can choose, but the way they are. And should that person be denied love for their entire lives? How is one supposed to live? Since all sin is the same in Your eyes, do we humans make far too big of a deal out of this particular one? God, this one quality is only a small part of my friend, that is not all he is, he is still him, and a seeker after you and everything else I have known him to be, and he is also Yours. How much of Your grace can He rely on? God why is it part of Your plan for some to not be Loved by their families, that they grow up never understanding what Love looks like? Why do some people have to feel like they don't deserve happiness? Why do some people have to feel like they can't trust anyone? God, I'm going to go so far as to ask this, I know this is incredibly petty and worldly, but do you realize how hard it is to live on this Earth and be considered unattractive? It's just not fair God. Yes I know what matters is on the inside, and that is the part you care about most, and we should only care what you think. And You made us the way we are, perfect in your image. And we are beautiful to You because You made us and You Love us, and we are Yours. But God, it hurts so much to watch others get let down over and over in love, in success, and in life based off that one simple judgement. It's not fair, God. What is the point of each of these lives? We only get one. If the point of their lives is simply to be a part of others' then is their any fulfillment for them? God, why me? I ask why me in a much different sense than it is usually asked. For I mean, why, God, have you blessed me the way that you have. For I am not plagued by any of these struggles. God what can I say? What can I do? How can I help your children? I don't understand their struggles, nor do I understand your purpose for them. God, I know You are there, I feel You now, but I'm still not hearing any answers. I'm tired of my old ones. They don't seem to work. Are answers supposed to make things better? Lastly, how do I search for answers? How does one go searching for God?

Yeah, I actually have a Green comment...

Yeah, I know right? I've actually got something to say about this. 

So at the camp fire tonight, someone said, "Don't step on the guitars or anything important," then jokingly, "I guess the grass isn't important." And it got me thinking... How interesting it is that the things we hold most dear to us, the things we consider "important" - Well, besides Loved ones, of course - are our man-made possessions. Though they may be blessings from God, how much more should we be considering of this Earth God gave us, for it is not at all something we can construct, invent, or imagine. God paints the sky. It is his beautiful masterpiece that He gifts to us every morning and night. We could never come up with something like that if we hadn't seen God do it first. He gives us the ability to imagine, create, and use the pieces of the Earth He gave us to make the things we have. But everything is His, it was His first. Glory to Him. He is so powerful. So Heck, yes! The grass is important! I couldn't make that! I would not have thought to blanket the ground in something soft and beautiful and growing for people to walk on. I guess we should of course step on it, since that is the purpose God made for grass - but we should remember it is important. 

Breathe

This is the air I breathe;

Your Holy presence living in me.

This is my daily bread;

Your very Word spoken to me.

And I'm desperate for You,

and I'm lost without You.

One of my goals for while working at camp this summer, has been to fall in Love with worship through music again. My favorite songs are usually my favorite for the greatness of their lyrics. It seems we get so used to praise songs, just praise songs, that we really forget to think about what we're saying. Take "Breathe" it's so beautiful. Now think about what it really means, think about what you are sing to God. His very presence in me, His Holy Spirit in me, envelopes me, it is my life, He is my life; as important and essential as the air a I breathe. "This is the air I breathe": God in me. God, all I need is your word on my lips, as food, as my daily bread. I can't live on bread alone, but your Word, God. Your Words sustain me. And all I need is You. 

In my life I must remind myself that, really, the only thing that matters is God. It's what we're here for. We're here because of Him, and we're here for Him. If I have nothing, but have God, than I have everything. If I have everything without God, I have nothing at all. He caused the breath in me, He keeps me breathing, He is the air I breathe.

John is so beautiful...

Now, don't anyone get excited! 

I'm talking about John the apostle and the book he wrote. He has been my favorite apostle ever since I read the Mark of the Lion series (which is probably above all else my favorite series - taught me so much about faith). Oh, right, I know that his character in the story is historical-ish fiction, but still, there must be a reason he's referred to as the "disciple whom Jesus Loved"! Ok, I lied before, there is no more beautiful word than God's so technically Francine Rivers is not my favorite author... Anyway, John is beautiful. As I may have mentioned I've taken up reading the 

Gospels again, to learn from the master and teacher the right way to live, and I realize now that I've finished, that I don't think I've actually ever sat down and read John. And it is so beautiful and so reassuring. (*Jackie Smallbones was right!) I can definitely see how reading John's Gospel alone can lead someone to believe in Christ. When I find myself doubting, it is usually over the unbelievableness of the person and life of Jesus as well as the authority of the Bible. Sometimes, and this is hard to admit, it all can just seem silly and irrational! (The message of Christ is foolishness to those who are perishing...) But then John says several times that he has written these things so that we may believe and it is so true! and I do! and I must rejoice! and be filled with the truth! The last line may be my favorite of all: "Jesus did many other things as well. If every one of them were written down, I suppose that even the whole world would not have room for the books that would be written." John 21:25. Which reminds me of a verse of a song that I adore singing and thinking about:

If we with ink the ocean filled,

and were the sky of parchment made,

were every stalk on Earth a quill,

and every man a scribe by trade,

to write the Love of God above

would run the ocean dry,

nor could the scroll 

contain the whole

though stretched from sky to sky. 

Hallelujah!

Who are we?

I'm tired of people calling themselves Christians and then not acting like one. I mean, what's the point of trying to follow Jesus? What's the point of the Bible? Why should we even care if we're just going to act however we want? Oh, I know I'm not perfect, but when we sin it breaks God's heart, it's wrong, it's not a "whatever." Why does lovingly admonish turn into judgmental prude? I'm tired of issues like this that make it hard to know who I am and who I want to be. Who are we anyway?

I was told that if we want to know the truth about how we should act, read the gospels. Jesus is available to us to learn straight from Him. The biggest lesson I've learned so far is Truth. - There is Truth, yes. Some things we can know for certain - 

From reading John, Jesus taught me:

Seek Truth.

Speak Truth.

Act Truth.

Be Truth.

There is Truth, of course! 

He is it. 

What is wrong with my world?

when those who loved me erased me,

and those who hated me confess their undying Love. 

Matt Thiessen Knows My Soul...

All throughout high school and even now, I have these times where mmhmm is me; is me life. 

When I go down...

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

Just Wondering...

Ok, so where do you have to be from to be "Flemish"

Anyway, I've always wondered.

ahh!! so I am updating this post, as I have found the answer!

Upon reading my Art History assignment I discovered that

to be "Flemish" you are from Flanders - an area around 

Belgium/the Netherlands. Wow. Finally I know. 

Intimidated by Life.

Why does life have to be so frickin scary!? - growing up...

I just can't help but look at the future and break a sweat. 

This post will be a series of on-going thoughts, as is this blog, cuz well, I have a lot of thoughts on the subject and they're always changing... so until I elaborate...

Art of the Renaissance.

While I was sitting in Art History today, several thoughts plagued my concentration. It bothers me that - as far as I know - all western medieval art paints Jesus, Mary, the Apostles, -all "Holy" people-WHITE. THEY WEREN'T RICHLY ROBED WHITE PEOPLE! That's the other thing, did everyone seriously wear drapes every day? And honestly, who decides which Biblical figures get to be painted with halos? I think the corruption of the church is evident in art that they would depict Christianity according to their world. How inaccurate. Anyway I'm not a historian, but this bothers me.