Searching for new answers

Ok so you may be shocked to read this after reading my two previous posts for the passionate certainty displayed in them... so be warned, this is very difficult for me to voice(write), and is actually the grand spiritual struggle I have been dealing with this summer. Ok here I go...

When faced with questions about suffering and a loving God, I have been pretty confident for a while now with the answers I have found, but after discussing very painful suffering encountered by a few close friends, lately my answers just don't seem to cut it anymore. In fact, they don't seem to answer anything at all. And I have found myself doubting more seriously than I ever have in my life. And it is very painful in itself to suddenly realize that I couldn't feel God anymore. His presence just seems to be gone to me, I can't feel Him. I had to remind myself, "It's Ok to be angry with God. He is big enough to handle our emotions." And I feel like I've been so quietly screaming these questions at Him and I can't hear a word whispering back. God, why? I know everything that happens to us is part of your plan, nothing could really happen outside of Your will. I don't really think we have that kind of power as humans. God, I really do think suffering can be a chance to choose You as the way to deal with things, but what if we have chosen You and still can't get any answers from You? Yes, of course I believe that You always answer our prayers; yes, no, or wait are the responses I thought You use. If I can't hear anything does that mean no? Nothing seems to be happening, God? What if nothing ever changes? How, then, is life supposed to be lived? God, to get to the point, what I really want to know is, why would it be part of your plan to have a young person be sore and sick and aching for half of their life and never find a cure? How is it part of Your plan that one of Your children should be a homosexual(if homosexuality really can't be 'helped')? I don't understand how You could create someone to be wired that way, and yet such a state of being is a sin and that person, though he loves you, could never be right in Your eyes, simply because of a sin that is not an action you can choose, but the way they are. And should that person be denied love for their entire lives? How is one supposed to live? Since all sin is the same in Your eyes, do we humans make far too big of a deal out of this particular one? God, this one quality is only a small part of my friend, that is not all he is, he is still him, and a seeker after you and everything else I have known him to be, and he is also Yours. How much of Your grace can He rely on? God why is it part of Your plan for some to not be Loved by their families, that they grow up never understanding what Love looks like? Why do some people have to feel like they don't deserve happiness? Why do some people have to feel like they can't trust anyone? God, I'm going to go so far as to ask this, I know this is incredibly petty and worldly, but do you realize how hard it is to live on this Earth and be considered unattractive? It's just not fair God. Yes I know what matters is on the inside, and that is the part you care about most, and we should only care what you think. And You made us the way we are, perfect in your image. And we are beautiful to You because You made us and You Love us, and we are Yours. But God, it hurts so much to watch others get let down over and over in love, in success, and in life based off that one simple judgement. It's not fair, God. What is the point of each of these lives? We only get one. If the point of their lives is simply to be a part of others' then is their any fulfillment for them? God, why me? I ask why me in a much different sense than it is usually asked. For I mean, why, God, have you blessed me the way that you have. For I am not plagued by any of these struggles. God what can I say? What can I do? How can I help your children? I don't understand their struggles, nor do I understand your purpose for them. God, I know You are there, I feel You now, but I'm still not hearing any answers. I'm tired of my old ones. They don't seem to work. Are answers supposed to make things better? Lastly, how do I search for answers? How does one go searching for God?

Yeah, I actually have a Green comment...

Yeah, I know right? I've actually got something to say about this. 

So at the camp fire tonight, someone said, "Don't step on the guitars or anything important," then jokingly, "I guess the grass isn't important." And it got me thinking... How interesting it is that the things we hold most dear to us, the things we consider "important" - Well, besides Loved ones, of course - are our man-made possessions. Though they may be blessings from God, how much more should we be considering of this Earth God gave us, for it is not at all something we can construct, invent, or imagine. God paints the sky. It is his beautiful masterpiece that He gifts to us every morning and night. We could never come up with something like that if we hadn't seen God do it first. He gives us the ability to imagine, create, and use the pieces of the Earth He gave us to make the things we have. But everything is His, it was His first. Glory to Him. He is so powerful. So Heck, yes! The grass is important! I couldn't make that! I would not have thought to blanket the ground in something soft and beautiful and growing for people to walk on. I guess we should of course step on it, since that is the purpose God made for grass - but we should remember it is important. 

Breathe

This is the air I breathe;

Your Holy presence living in me.

This is my daily bread;

Your very Word spoken to me.

And I'm desperate for You,

and I'm lost without You.

One of my goals for while working at camp this summer, has been to fall in Love with worship through music again. My favorite songs are usually my favorite for the greatness of their lyrics. It seems we get so used to praise songs, just praise songs, that we really forget to think about what we're saying. Take "Breathe" it's so beautiful. Now think about what it really means, think about what you are sing to God. His very presence in me, His Holy Spirit in me, envelopes me, it is my life, He is my life; as important and essential as the air a I breathe. "This is the air I breathe": God in me. God, all I need is your word on my lips, as food, as my daily bread. I can't live on bread alone, but your Word, God. Your Words sustain me. And all I need is You. 

In my life I must remind myself that, really, the only thing that matters is God. It's what we're here for. We're here because of Him, and we're here for Him. If I have nothing, but have God, than I have everything. If I have everything without God, I have nothing at all. He caused the breath in me, He keeps me breathing, He is the air I breathe.